Wednesday 28 November 2012
SO ANGRY
I am going through a whirlwind of emotions since my period. Today I'm just simply pissed off! I'm angry that we have to go through IVF / ICSI, I am so angry that the IUI did not work and I'm pissed that there's so many people out there procreating without even giving it a second thought. I'm angry that our future baby won't be conceived from making love with my husband, I'm angry that we have to spend so much money on treatments. I'm angry that I'm in a bad mood everyday and I'm taking it out on the people I love. God please help us if you are listening.
Monday 26 November 2012
DONE WITH IUI TREATMENT
So, you've guessed it....second iui failed as well. Of course this was even more heartbreaking than the first because everything looked perfect, no reason it should not have worked.
I had a lengthy discussion with our FS and we've decided no more of this. We suspect morphology is our problem as SA came back with 2%, so for all we know the eggs were not even fertilized the past two cycles. We going to try IVF with ICSI at his suggestion, I've read a bit abut it last night and I'm really scared. Don't know how I feel about it, below is the article link
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2140122/UKs-popular-IVF-treatment-turmoil-shock-report-baby-defects.html
I had a lengthy discussion with our FS and we've decided no more of this. We suspect morphology is our problem as SA came back with 2%, so for all we know the eggs were not even fertilized the past two cycles. We going to try IVF with ICSI at his suggestion, I've read a bit abut it last night and I'm really scared. Don't know how I feel about it, below is the article link
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2140122/UKs-popular-IVF-treatment-turmoil-shock-report-baby-defects.html
Thursday 22 November 2012
Wednesday 21 November 2012
10 DPIUI AND I CAVED
Yesterday marked 10 dpiui and I caved. I went and pee'd on a stick and needless to say I got a BFN. I am so freaking depressed today, yes I know it was early to test, but not to see even a very very faint line was heartbreaking and disappointing. I haven't even told my husband because he'll just tell me that it's way too early and I should wait for the test date. At 7dpiui I had what looked like a little bit of implantation spotting so in my mind 10dpiui would be enough time if baby implanted.
I know that there is still hope, but I have no symptoms and I can't help but feel this cycle is another bust. Fuck!
I know that there is still hope, but I have no symptoms and I can't help but feel this cycle is another bust. Fuck!
Friday 16 November 2012
6DPIUI UPDATE
I don't have much to report except that this TWW is dragging!!! I've had on and off twinges since yesterday and sorry for too much TMI but my stomach is acting up and I've been going to the loo in the middle of the night since Wednesday. I'm wondering if it's all the rooibos tea I've been drinking because I am trying to completely cut out caffeine.
Anyway, it's Friday and I usually have a glass or few of wine to relax and welcome the weekend. It's going to be so strange not having any, guess I have to get used to it because fingers crossed I'm going to be without it for at least nine months :-)
Anyway, it's Friday and I usually have a glass or few of wine to relax and welcome the weekend. It's going to be so strange not having any, guess I have to get used to it because fingers crossed I'm going to be without it for at least nine months :-)
A POEM FOR ALL MOTHERS IN WAITING
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
Monday 12 November 2012
IUI2 - 2 WW BEGINS
We had IUI number 2 done on Saturday - Scan on CD11 revealed one mature follicle measuring
20 x 17. Our FS seemed happy about it, so I am relieved. I was hoping to have more than one but it was not to be. My lining only measured 6mm but according to doc it's acceptable.
I've been having this on and off twinge in my lower abdomen since the IUI - I did not have this experience last month. We are very excited this time around and I'm praying that it works.
Lying in bed last night I was overcome with feelings of appreciation, I am blessed to be married to my best friend, to have such a wonderful supportive husband and to still be madly in love with him. We are doing whatever we can to have this baby, but ultimately it is not in our hands. No matter what happens I will thank God everyday for my 13 year old son and for sending me such a wonderful man.
20 x 17. Our FS seemed happy about it, so I am relieved. I was hoping to have more than one but it was not to be. My lining only measured 6mm but according to doc it's acceptable.
I've been having this on and off twinge in my lower abdomen since the IUI - I did not have this experience last month. We are very excited this time around and I'm praying that it works.
Lying in bed last night I was overcome with feelings of appreciation, I am blessed to be married to my best friend, to have such a wonderful supportive husband and to still be madly in love with him. We are doing whatever we can to have this baby, but ultimately it is not in our hands. No matter what happens I will thank God everyday for my 13 year old son and for sending me such a wonderful man.
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