SO ANGRY

I am going through a whirlwind of emotions since my period.  Today I'm just simply pissed off!  I'm angry that we have to go through IVF / ICSI, I am so angry that the IUI did not work and I'm pissed that there's so many people out there procreating without even giving it a second thought.  I'm angry that our future baby won't be conceived from making love with my husband, I'm angry that we have to spend so much money on treatments.  I'm angry that I'm in a bad mood everyday and I'm taking it out on the people I love.  God please help us if you are listening.

DONE WITH IUI TREATMENT

So, you've guessed it....second iui failed as well.  Of course this was even more heartbreaking than the first because everything looked perfect, no reason it should not have worked.
I had a lengthy discussion with our FS and we've decided no more of this.  We suspect morphology is our problem as SA came back with 2%, so for all we know the eggs were not even fertilized the past two cycles.  We going to try IVF with ICSI at his suggestion, I've read a bit abut it last night and I'm really scared.  Don't know how I feel about it, below is the article link

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2140122/UKs-popular-IVF-treatment-turmoil-shock-report-baby-defects.html

13 DPIUI

The only thing worse than a BFN is a BFN after IUI!
I have nothing more to add.

10 DPIUI AND I CAVED

Yesterday marked 10 dpiui and I caved.  I went and pee'd on a stick and needless to say I got a BFN.  I am so freaking depressed today, yes I know it was early to test, but not to see even a very very faint line was heartbreaking and disappointing.  I haven't even told my husband because he'll just tell me that it's way too early and I should wait for the test date.  At 7dpiui I had what looked like a little bit of implantation spotting so in my mind 10dpiui would be enough time if baby implanted.
I know that there is still hope, but I have no symptoms and I can't help but feel this cycle is another bust.  Fuck!

6DPIUI UPDATE

I don't have much to report except that this TWW is dragging!!!  I've had on and off twinges since yesterday and sorry for too much TMI but my stomach is acting up and I've been going to the loo in the middle of the night since Wednesday.  I'm wondering if it's all the rooibos tea I've been drinking because I am trying to completely cut out caffeine. 
Anyway, it's Friday and I usually have a glass or few of wine to relax and welcome the weekend.  It's going to be so strange not having any, guess I have to get used to it because fingers crossed I'm going to be without it for at least nine months :-)

A POEM FOR ALL MOTHERS IN WAITING

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

IUI2 - 2 WW BEGINS

We had IUI number 2 done on Saturday - Scan on CD11 revealed one mature follicle measuring
20 x 17.  Our FS seemed happy about it, so I am relieved.  I was hoping to have more than one but it was not to be.  My lining only measured 6mm but according to doc it's acceptable.
I've been having this on and off twinge in my lower abdomen since the IUI - I did not have this experience last month.  We are very excited this time around and I'm praying that it works.

Lying in bed last night I was overcome with feelings of appreciation, I am blessed to be married to my best friend, to have such a wonderful supportive husband and to still be madly in love with him.  We are doing whatever we can to have this baby, but ultimately it is not in our hands.  No matter what happens I will thank God everyday for my 13 year old son and for sending me such a wonderful man.

CYCLE UPDATE IUI2

I feel so much better about this cycle.  I've used 100mg clomid CD3-CD8, my ultrasound on CD8 showed 3-4 follicles which is way better than the 1 I produced with our first cycle.  The 100mg of clomid gave me some weird side-effects though, I thought I was going blind but my vision has returned to normal now.  Scan revealed a thin lining again, same as last month so I'm using oral estrogen CD8 - CD10 (12 tablets in all).  Fingers crossed for our ultrasound on CD11, I'm praying that all 4 follies would have grown which means we'll have a better chance.
I have abandoned my BBT thermometer and I'm handing all control over to my RE, not as hard as I thought it would be!

WAITING FOR IUI 2

So you've guessed it, our first IUI was a fail and I am currently on CD4.  I'm feeling a bit more optomistic this month, my FS has upped my Clomid to 100mg and we go for a scan on Monday (CD8) to check my lining.  I'm hoping for good news, the less meds I need to use, the better.  Please please let me have more than one follicle this month, I felt like such a failure when I read on the forums how the women are all producing three or four :-(
On another note, we have six weeks of work left before closing down.  Can't wait for my 4 glorious weeks at home!

OUR FIRST (AND HOPEFULLY LAST) IUI

September 30, and the witch finally shows up.  It's been the first time that I prayed for my period to come, so excited to start our treatment. 
50mg Clomid CD3 - CD7 and honestly it was not that bad.  I had a headache everyday that lasted about an hour or two, but other than that feeling like my usual self.
CD11 went to see FS for a ultrasound, follicle check.  According to Doc I have one beautiful follie measuring 17.5mm, my lining is only 4.5mm, but seen as we not doing IVF, he is happy to trigger. 
Why do I feel so deflated?   I don't think that one follicle is good and hearing that it only takes one does not make me feel any better AARRGGHHHH
So we told to do the trigger at 10pm that evening and IUI is scheduled for Friday morning at 10am (CD13).
I feel like it's too early in my cycle but I'm trying to tell myself that I should leave it to the FS.
Bright and early Friday morning, DH sorts out his sample and we off to have breakfast while that lab guys do their thing.
The moment has finally arrived,I'm in one of those chairs with my legs spread apart and in the air, holding DH's hand and the doc assures me it's similar to a papsmear.....only it's NOT.
My cervix is apparently closed and he used some tools to force it open.  It was really uncomfortable and painful.  I am so confused, why is my cervix closed when I'm supposed to be ovulating, shouldn't it be open?
I have to lie down for 30mins after the procedure and driving back to work later that morning, I can't help but to feel less than optimistic.  FS has asked us only to test on 7 November if AF does not show and I'm praying (begging) every day that it will work this first time.  I am 5DPIUI and besides a few twinges here and there, I don't feel anything (I know it would be too early anyway).
I came across this coping mechanism for the  2WW and I think it's helping, but it's still early days.

 During this experience I will:
o Focus on the benefits and not just the difficulties
o Try to think more about the positive things
in my life
o Try to do something meaningful
o Learn from the experience
o See things positively
o Make the best of the situation
o Look on the bright side of things
o Find something good in what is happening
o Try to do something that makes me feel positive
o Focus on the positive aspects of the situation

WHERE WE FIND OURSELVES NOW

September 2012 was our first consultation with a Fertility Specialist and it went a lot better than I could have hoped.  I was terrified that he would send us away with a "home plan" and even told my DH that should it happen, I'll just march straight out of his office. 
He made us feel at ease straight away and seemed to understand our desperation.  After my internal scan and a long discussion about our journey, he had a plan for us HOORAY!!!
Thankfully I will not be subjected to any testing as we managed to conceive in 2011.  He has suggested three IUI cycles with clomid and a HCG trigger and then moving on to IVF if we are still unsuccessful.  Finally we have a plan and all does not seem lost.  I can start dreaming again.... 

OUR JOURNEY SO FAR

A little background......
December 2009 - August 2011 actively trying to conceive.  I was taking prenatal vitamins, DH was taking a sperm enhancer (Spremprove), measuring BBT and using OPK's.
September 2011 we managed to conceive and we were over the moon.  Finally the endless obsessing about pregnancy symptoms would stop, I didn't need to budget for HPT's (I have an obsession) and we could carry on with the rest of our lives.......
Sadly I had a miscarriage at eight weeks and even though my world came crashing down, I tried to be optomistic.  After all, we managed to conceive and everyone was telling me that after a miscarriage, you fall pregnant so much easier.  My DH even reassured me that we would be pregnant again by the end of that year.
Fast forward to October 2012 and still no bun in the oven!